Support for the dying

When we support the dying, we are deepening our own practice and understanding as well as caring for another at a critical time. This is a brief primer designed to address the immediate need of supporting the dying. Click on hyperlinks to learn more.

But what is spiritual support ? Well first and foremost it is simply bearing witness. 

This means not turning away when the going gets rough and staying present in the territory of mystery and unanswerable questions. It’s assisting a person to discover their own truth – 

even if it’s one that you don’t agree with.

--Frank Ostaseki, "Zen and the Good Death"

If the person you are supporting considers her/himself to be a Buddhist:

• Calm your own heart-mind as much as possible. Know that you are doing your best to support this person through her passage to death. Support the person who is dying to the best of your ability. Do not worry about whether you are doing it correctly or not. Your good intention to help is the best thing you can offer.
• If it is possible to find out from the person what he needs and wants, do this as soon as possible. Follow his wishes as closely as you can.
• If she has been associated with a Buddhist practice center or temple, notify them of her condition and invite their participation and support to the extent that you feel comfortable doing so.
• In the absence of more specific guidelines or requests, here are a few things you can do that would be broadly acceptable within any Buddhist tradition:
• Maintain as calm and quiet an atmosphere as possible around the dying person. 
• Try to avoid crying and being upset while near the dying person and encourage others to do this, too.
• Speak to the person in soft, assuring tones. 
• Remind the dying person of her good deeds and virtues in this lifetime.
• Let the dying person know that he can die without worry, that he has permission to go when he is ready to go.
• If it is possible to play a recording of  Buddhist chanting, that may be a support to the dying person. If you are comfortable reading a Buddhist text to her, this may also be a support. You might also place a small statue of the Buddha where she can see it.

Many of these practices can be adapted for the support of a dying person in any (or no) faith or spiritual tradition. Simply substitute appropriate music and texts.

RESOURCES

How To Talk About Death
A useful checklist to guide a conversation about death with one who is dying

Co-Meditation with the Dying
A guided practice by Roshi Joan Halifax